So if you haven’t heard, Dustin is moving to San Diego. For those who haven’t (or don’t know), we were practically married for two years from Spring of 2002 to Summer of 2004, broke up, but then became friends again (and roommates) when I bought the house in Fall 2005 to the end of 2006. He has since moved in with his boyfriend and they are moving to California together.

It’s hard for me to comprehend the seriousness of this situation (let alone describe it) because we’ve both moved on years ago. Still, when I got the phone call, I immediately thought about making him a cd.

To me, the process (and product) of creating a mix cd is perhaps the single most romantic gesture I can think of—often it’s the best I can do to communicate a myriad of complex feelings to almost anyone.

While the above summary doesn’t exactly do the relationship justice, not at all, really, I think the following playlist sums up where we were and then progresses into current feelings, reminisces, and offers good will for the future.

I share this playlist along with a few statements about why I chose each track, and what significance it may or may not have. I didn’t supply Dustin with any of the statements, just the playlist and the poem (see below). At first I wanted to save him from that awkwardness, but now I realize I just want some closure. I think I’m really gonna miss seeing him around. More than anything, when we dated we were best friends.

Playlist

1 she’s leaving home by the beatles
Christian suggested this one. It was so perfect and appropriate, I had to put it first. Plus—it establishes E major as the first dominant tonality, which not only works for the next 6 tracks (I know, I know, perfect pitch is a disease), but also works to inspire mystery and promise—if you believe that a tonality can accomplish such a thing.

2 sleepy california by her space holiday
This is the first of several songs about California that I had at my disposal. I couldn’t use at least 3 other songs that I wanted to include because of tonality reasons. But this one also serves a poetic purpose to the playlist.

3 songbird by duncan sheik
I actually consider this song to be one of the most genuine gestures of affection to send someone on a cd. And though it’s only on this list because of my association with Dustin at the time I first heard the song—I first sung it for him—it also represents the love that exists between two people even after the relationship ends.

4 song for you by alexi Murdoch
I love the lyrics right from the beginning: “So today, I wrote a song for you…” I mean, how charming! Except the rest of the song insinuates that “you” are unstable, sad, and lacking in self-confidence (suicidal). Nevertheless, I love the intent behind the song: “Listen to my hands…I will move you.”

5 high and dry by radiohead
How trite, right? Dustin probably throws the cd out the window at this point. This is probably one of the most popular songs from early Radiohead and for good reason. Even though it’s another song that gives someone a sort-of talking-to, this one exposes the vulnerability in the singer.

6 the past and pending by the shins
I think this song embodies autumn—that sense of reflection and anticipation. It’s like a hipster ethnography of a backyard mini-bonfire where two cool kids meet for the first time.

7 don’t be scared by andrew bird
8 paul’s song by m. ward
I think I originally wanted to include Andrew Bird’s “Tables and Chairs” which, if you listen to his complete discography, is the culmination of this musical motif. This song and the next by M. Ward refer to “Paul” as someone who (to me) picks up the pieces and moves on. These songs also transition us into D major, which has a hint of reflection about it.

9 a man/me/then by rilo kiley
I’ve used this song in break-ups before—I think that’s o.k. To me the lyric from this song, “the slow fade of love” says “no hard feelings—shit happens.”

10 you and me song by the wannadies
More than anything, this song explains domestic life pretty well, especially in the post-romantic stage. Some of the best memories I have with Dustin involve lying in bed all day, watching TV and enjoying each other’s company.

11 fuck this…i’m leaving by the american analog set
I had to include this for the title alone. The meaning through the lyrics is iffy, but when you also consider the title, I think it’s clear. Being fed-up with a situation is enough to make you move. Not saying that was his only decision to move, but it helps.

12 not california by hem
Another vestige from another relationship, but this one is especially fitting considering the comparison between California and the reality of the rest of the world. It’s true. The song brings out the bitter qualities of G major.

13 just for a moment by aqualung
Aqualung either makes you feel really good or really bad. While I think the song was written from an “I want you back” standpoint, I use it to recall moments where our relationship was fractured and lost momentarily. The bitter-sweet melody moves into B-flat major; I should have followed this song with “Little Did I Know” by Over the Rhine (witness a painful recreation of this song by yours truly), but it would have been too perfect and sappy.

14 california by joni mitchell
15 california by mates of state
16 california by semisonic
These three present different aspects of California as a magical place where you long to go, yet hasten to leave. I include them as first-hand experience: I was born there and secretly wish to return one day. They’re also all in F major which more often than not brings about a feeling of optimism.

17 calculation theme by metric
This track is probably the lowest moment. The promise of technology only works to quantify human ambition and emotion till we’re left working against our survival and ourselves. These last three songs are in C major, which I consider one of the darkest tonalities.

18 drop me a line by the owls
This is an obvious passive-aggressive guilt-trip on my part. We’re both really bad about keeping in touch. Aside from the literal nature of the lyrics; I think it signifies that we never really get to where [we think] we’re going.

19 your ex-lover is dead by stars
Best break-up song ever when you’re awkwardly still friends. It say’s “Hey, it didn’t work out but that’s o.k.” I use it here to establish some finality of the CD when usually I leave it open for either the next mix or a repeat. Not this time.

Finally, these songs and this track listing made for an easy contrived poem, and also explains the fixed-width font I used on the case. It’s lame, I know, but that’s what Dustin is used to from me:

Poem

       i heard she's leaving home
           for sleepy california.
   so this lil songbird
         has a song for you
        flying high and dry
          over the past and pending.
               don't be scared
       to sing paul's song
         about a man/me/then jim,
        or the you and me song. sure, i know you’ve always
wanted to say: fuck this...i'm leaving,
       and why not california?
           but just for a moment, maybe on
    the way to california, think of our last
       trip to california, especially down the
      coast of california, and remember our love.  do the
math; here’s a calculation theme to help with the numbers.
       anyways drop me a line when you get there, and don't
  believe that your ex-lover is dead.