Pedestrian Prose

This weekend was very picturesque. Saturday I dragged my hung-over ass up to Mountain Home (3 hours) for a day on the lake with my brother. I had the best time. I had no idea what to expect.

It’s really interesting to me how people in different communities hang out. In Little Rock, we usually congregate at someone’s house or apartment, and/or go out on the town to one or more bars/clubs. I think with my friends, porches and porticos are the most popular daytime activity.

In Mountain Home, though, we arrive on the lake surrounded with other Memorial Weekend folk, in the middle of nowhere (in a cove or something). My brother and his friends call (cell phones work out here?!) each other and one by one, boats begin to show up and tie to each other. I think we got up to 7 boats tied together. It was like MTV spring break or something: totally hot guys and girls, swimming, drinking, sun bathing, and music blaring. It was like something from a James Agee poem (minus the parents).

Later that night (after a much needed nap) we go to the one club: the Atrium. I’m always nervous going out to these places, because I know I’m potentially the only gay person for miles. Luckily my brother and his friends are hoss. No one gave me any shit, and I got to see people I hadn’t talked to since graduation (1998).

Everyone (except for maybe one or two people) was white. Yet they played mainly rap music. I swear the whole community is a walking contradiction. They have no idea what most of the songs played were about, “but isn’t it fun to grind like they do in the video?” Ick. At one point they were playing some terrible power 80’s ballad with a 50-cent video on the screen. I love anachronism.

Currently listening to Knoxville, Summer of 1915:

Knoxville Summer of 1915
Artist: Nonesuch
Rating: 0

“What is with today, today?”

The transits are wierd today [Thursday's free horoscope: www.astro.com]. All signs point to me taking a road trip tomorrow…but I don’t know where to go. My choices are to follow my heart, or my head.

I’m having the most intense emotions, and I’m sure he is too. But what is the use if in the end, nothing can happen. I will forever remain unsatisfied by our non-relationship.

It is so exciting to meet someone that you could spend a long time with; it hurts even worse when you realize it will never happen. Worse because you can’t even give it a try…we never had a chance.

Star-crossed lovers.

Wherever I go this weekend, I’m sure to be heartbroken, because even if I could spend it with him the pain of knowing that he’s ‘off-limits’ is too much to hold hands with.

Currently listening to:

More Adventurous
Artist: Rilo Kiley
Rating: 0

It’s been a long time since I’ve been so attracted to someone that it interfeared with my everyday life. Scary, even. [said in your best Snagglepuss imitation]

Seriously, though, I can’t stop thinking about this boy, our casual encounters, and how nothing will ever come of it. I’m almost positive he feels the same, but we can’t talk about it. I’m a bottle of Bacardi 151° that has been left in a car in the summer: hot and bothered. Explosive, even. I think he’s thirsty for a rum and coke (or maybe a cuba libre even…).

Currently listening to Policeman:

Mosquitos
Artist: Mosquitos
Rating: 0

O.k. So I’ve been a myspace user for less than a week, and I thought I was doing fine with my 9 friends. Then I guess I was featured on “cool new people” and have gotten bunches hundreds of messages and friend requests!

It may take a while, but I’m going to respond to all of you! Thanks for making my day!

p.s. eat it friendster, myspace is much cooler.

Currently listening to Lovely Day:

Lovely Day: The Very Best Of
Artist: Bill Withers
Rating: 0

We spend our lives listening to other peoples music, and how it relates to our lives (reflection). When will we stop singing these songs we find and start making our own music?

Why must something be broken down and completely fall apart before something new and wonderful can grow? Why must my pleasure be matched by another’s agony?

My head hurts; I’m so lost in longing. It is both a very good and very bad thing…

Currently listening to Avalanche:

Siren
Artist: Heather Nova
Rating: 0

Part of me knows that what I’m about to do is wrong. The other half won’t sleep until I do. Kyrie eleison.

Currently listening to:

Our Hopes and Dreams
Artist: The Owls
Rating: 0

Every decision is a combination of being creative and/or reflective. Staying with what you know, versus learning something new. Do I stay in Little Rock and reflect or should I leave this city behind, on to create other things?

Every once in a while I get this wild hair to just go.

Currently listening to Summertime:

Eveningland
Artist: Hem
Rating: 0

…is the most fun game ever, everyone should own a set. Last night was the best.

Currently listening to Forma 2000 (a.k.a. “You don’t even know me”):

Bossa per Due
Artist: Nicola Conte
Rating: 0

I have this battle with myself all the time. When to be honest, and when to not say or do anything at all. I think I’m pretty well known for speaking my opinion, and people value me for that quality (I think). But in this case, where it isn’t necessarily my opinion but my own feelings, how do I proceede?

I’ve argued for a long time that you can’t do anything about attraction. If you’re attracted to someone, you can’t simply tell yourself to not be, right? If you like someone, then you like them. But what if it’s not “o.k.” to like them? I’m not going to be dishonest and pretend I don’t like them, but on the other hand I can’t really do anything about it…well, not much anyway.

Currently listening to Tanto Tempo:

Tanto Tempo
Artist: Bebel Gilberto
Rating: 0

Yesterday was a dream. Went to the Tilly and the Wall concert at Sticky’s and had a most excellent time. Nick, the keyboardist is hella cute. Jenna’s energy transported our entire group of friends to a euphoric level. I may never be able to express my gratitude for her opening my eyes to such great bands.

It had been brought to my attention that I observe way too much and don’t act enough. I went out on a limb last night and made my feelings known to someone that I had admired for quite some time. It probably wasn’t the best idea, but I did it. God was it nice to have a connection to someone, even if so brief and quite taboo. I had a boyfriend for a moment—someone who enjoyed my company without expecting anything except just that: company. I hope he felt the same, but am too afraid to ask; he is forbidden fruit and shall remain on the tree. Though nothing short of tasting his sweet nectar will keep my desire at bay.

Still, I’d rather be a dreamer, a king of convenience, than the worm in someone else’s apple. I have other, non possesive things to keep myself occupied (besides boys): master’s thesis, teaching a class this fall at UALR, summertime (great Sundays song) on the Portico, and even my job is a pleasant diversion.

Currently listening to Summertime:

Static & Silence
Artist: The Sundays
Rating: 0